Why feel inadequate?

Have you ever felt inadequate? I have. Most of my life, the things I’ve achieved were often just to please other people. I grew up with this mindset that I have to do well so that people, especially my parents, would like me. I never felt enough though. Nothing I did was ever enough. I always fell short of the expectations. Fast forward to 25 year old me, I am still super hard on myself. After all my struggles, I am still aiming for recognition and validation from other people. Let me tell you though what happens when you rely on other people’s approval. You will NEVER be truly happy. Even as a blogger, I am too hard on myself. Maybe you’ve felt this too? I beat myself up whenever I see a decrease in likes, comments, and follows. It’s not that those are of the greatest significance, but it just makes me feel like I’m not doing enough; either I’m not doing enough, or I’m just not enough no matter how hard I try. It’s the same feeling with bigger matters in my life. There are so many questions like, “If I apply for this job, will they think I’m good enough? because I don’t think I am.”, “Why are so many crappy things happening to me all at once? Can I recover from this?”, “Why do people leave and why do people give up on me?”, “Am I not good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough?”, or “Am I really meant for something as great as I once thought I was?” Those are just a few questions out of hundreds that run through my overly anxious mind.

Is it the perfectionist in some of us? Perfectionism won’t ever make us feel perfect. All it ever does is make us feel that anything we do is inadequate; that we are inadequate. It will eat us up. Let’s not allow ourselves to be in an abusive relationship with ourselves.

So what do we do?…

– Stop trying to please everyone. Stop trying to win everyone’s approval. The person you need to please most is yourself. Get validation from yourself. Do things that will make you happy. Personally, I know this would be a hard one for me to do. Lately I’ve been trying to jump into things that I know will make me happy, but at the same time, I’m seriously stressing out because at the back of my mind is that little girl who should only do things that her parents approve of. I’m like the black sheep of my family, and even until now, I still haven’t gotten much recognition from them. I’ve come to realize though that I might never will, and it is important that I finally focus on trying to make myself genuinely happy instead. Live your life and be true to your soul. Stop always trying to obtain outside validation.

– Always believe in yourself and know that YOU ARE ENOUGH. You may lack this and that, but everyone lacks in something. You know what the good news is? You also have so many things that others don’t. Accept your flaws and rejoice in what you have. Just break down your wall and although this may sound difficult, list down all of your insecurities. Face them head on. It’s those insecurities that will give you the opportunity to grow.

– Know that you are not your failures. We all make mistakes and sometimes, even if we did everything right, we still fail. Understand and accept that life just happens to work that way. What’s important is to get back up and learn. Life can sometimes be a bitch, but it also gives us plenty of chances to rise.

– And last, don’t be too hard on yourself. This could be extremely difficult for most of us, but this is what we need to do. Celebrate even the smallest of achievements and learn to appreciate yourself more. YOU are the only person who can make yourself truly happy.

Hi I’m Janine

MAKEUP_20170322031648_saveHi everyone! I’m Janine, or online, Janini Panini. This is a long read, but I sincerely hope it would be worthy of your time. Just last year, as most of my online family knows, I was battling depression and decided to quit my QA Microbiologist job to pursue my passions. This prompted me to also decide to blog about my journey, thus I made a wordpress account and an instagram account. I had this vision and goal to inspire other people going through the same things I’m going through. I also hoped that I could empower others. June of 2016, with only my new found courage and some of my savings, I packed my belongings and moved to a different city. I was able to enter SoFA Design Institute. I took up a program in Fashion Styling. I was surviving using my salary from online jobs. Everything was going uphill despite some hardships. I was doing what I love and excelling at it. Things were great even after finals. I even got the highest grade possible in my styling class. But, like they say, what goes up, must come down. I feel I must open up because this is part of my journey and that is what my blogging has always been about. After my finals, the person I love and care about most, the one who has been helping me battle my depression, left me heartbroken. My main online job vanished leaving me broke as well. In addition to that, I have a worsening case of anxiety. Most days, I can’t get myself out of bed and out of my room. I am often confused whether I am crying just because of my broken heart, my recurring depression, or my developing anxiety. The anxiety is easy to figure out though when my chest tightens and I get a panic attack. This is why I’m having trouble finding a new job. Major anxiety, low self esteem, and doubting are just a few main causes. It’s so hard when you know what you’re supposed to do and you know what you want to do, BUT you just can’t seem to get yourself to do anything. It also isn’t helping that I have few to talk to because here where I live, people are just not that educated and familiar about depression and anxiety. Few understand and I think I have just grown tired.

I’m making it a point though that starting today, I will be even more conscious of myself and the things I wish to do and change. I will find more strength. And like what Kirsten Corley said, “Strength is looking at someone who broke you and you forgive them. Strength is helping others even when it’s you that hasn’t quite figured it out yet. Strength is holding on and believing in something you know you deserve but haven’t gotten yet.” So yes hunnies, you will still hear a lot from me on your posts. I will always be commenting genuinely and encouraging everyone. I will still be there for anyone who needs someone to listen and talk to. I will always strive to empower others while I strive to empower myself. Lifting others lifts me up as well. I will also try to revamp my IG into something more reflective of who I am now and who I am changing into. Furthermore, from time to time, I will once again paint portraits of inspiring people from Instagram or outside the online world. Sending you all much love and happiness.

Tools for 2017

20170104735948848.jpg

Wait just a dang minute. It’s 2017 already?! Well, that sure was quick. Time sure flies.

The first half of my 2016 was composed of (1) preparing myself for whatever is coming at me as an effect of my major risk taking and (2) having an amazing time honing my skills at SoFA Design Institute. The second half is of heartbreak and sleepless nights, but I did get to travel plenty. I can’t say that 2016 has been entirely good to me. However, there have been countless of lessons and a lot of self-growth. 2017 entered and I am still trying my hardest to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, but I already know that I am stronger than I give myself credit.

With that, I am sharing with you my 2017 Tools for a better me.

  1. Planner – I got mine from The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf by collecting stamps every time I bought myself coffee. Completing the stamps would mean you get to pick a planner of your choice. They call it “The Giving Journal”. Proceeds from the Giving Journal go to the Real Life Foundation, an NGO here in the Philippines that serves the less fortunate and helps to empower their dreams through educational assistance, community service, and character development. I have been collecting these for three years already. With it, I can organize my life whilst being constantly reminded to remain humble, pay forward, and be thankful for my blessings. Things we should always keep in mind.
  2. Good books – This year we should consciously give “reading books” the time it deserves. It’s always great to feed your mind by using your imagination to train your brain. When I was younger, I used to read so much more than I do now. I think it’s high time I bring that habit back.
  3. Phone – Not to play games, but to connect to people. Ironically, despite being a blogger, I am actually more of an introverted person. I like quiet hangouts and the idea of meeting people irl scares me. Thank you, social anxiety! Let’s change that though. Let’s contact old friends and meet new ones. Let’s keep in touch with our loved ones.
  4. Passport – Before 2016 ended, I went on a trip. I visited Bintan Indonesia and stayed in Singapore for three weeks. It gave my soul the rest it badly needed. So, from now on, let’s get more stamps on those passports!
  5. Skinny Coffee – Look good and feel good. Time to get healthy! I might not look like it, but my lifestyle is so sedentary it’s embarrassing to go into the details of it. Not anymore though. I’m turning 26 this year and one of my main goals is to learn how to take care of myself better. Eat healthier and exercise on a regular basis. I’m planning to learn yoga.
  6. Skin care products – Ever since I learned how to do my own makeup, I just can’t stop practicing and playing with it. I find the art of it really fun and intriguing. Being the lazy girl that I am though, sometimes I “forget” to wash my face. lol. Having said that, I should know that I need to also take care of my skin better from now on.
  7. Art brushes – These represent my hobbies and passions. My tip: Relieve your stress by doing the things you love doing. Also, never forget to follow your heart and keep pursuing your passions. We only live once. Life is too short to waste it on things that don’t make you happy.
  8. New Shoes – Why new shoes? Hoping that my new shoes will take me places. 🙂

 

×× Janine

Says Sonia

“I was rather free, and I always did what I wanted to do, sometimes without listening to the people who warned me not to do this or that.” ~ Sonia Rykiel

Last year, I made the huge decision, regardless of the violent reactions of the people closest to me, of quitting my job and pursuing my passions instead. To many who read my blog articles, this is a story that has already been heard a million times. I sacrificed plenty. I saved up to pay for my tuition fee. I searched for online jobs to support myself; working on weekdays as a blog article contributor and on weekend night shifts as a data researcher.

It has been a few months since school started. Time sure flies by so fast. It seems only yesterday when I could barely sleep, tossing and turning on my bed, thinking of what to expect when I enter SoFA Design Institute. I was excited but also worried. I had a lot of questions. “Would I fit in?” “Do I have what it takes?” “Am I in for the regret of a lifetime?” Months passed and can you believe it? School is almost over.

I did not get answers to my questions. Not literally at least. I did, however, stopped questioning and started believing. I believe in myself more now. I believe that standing out is better than fitting in. I believe that talent will only get you so far. You have to accompany it with hard work and dedication. I believe that I’m not the same person I was a year ago anymore. It is not that I changed, but rather, going to SoFA brought back the real me.

I believe that the Fashion Styling course not only made an impact on my style preferences but more importantly on my personal growth. I have no plans on going back to my old job. I have finally found something that is worth my blood and sweat. I don’t know yet what lies ahead for me after this course, but like what they say, “Fashion is all about taking risks.” I beleive life is also all about taking risks. If we don’t take risks, how would we know what we’re capable of?

SONY DSCSONY DSCSONY DSC

*my outfit is inspired by Sonia Rykiel. That day we were asked to style ourselves and pay tribute to her.

 

Top – H&M Studio A/W 2016 Campaign | Skirt – Thrifted | Boots – Forever21

Pilipinas Men’s Fashion Week

Last August 25th and September 1, my fashion styling classmates and I attended the 10th Season of Pilipinas Men’s Fashion Week. It was held at House Manila VIP Honestly, believe it or not, it was my first time to attend a fashion show! Super thankful to our super stylish mentor for that opportunity. Hoping there would be many more to come. Fingers crossed! The shows were magical, and the after parties were crazy awesome.

For the September 1 show, the designers were Ramon Favila, Marllon Tabangcura, Naomi Ng, Rian Fernandez, Arby Binay, John Rufo, Jona Salac, Rafael Louis Gonzales, Adam Balasa, Charles Anito, Nico Agustin, Yako Reyes, and the line from Instinct.

1

23457691110131415162016-09-05-03-48-56-12016-09-05-03-48-58-1

 

As for the August 25 show, the designers were Jun Lee, Dauson Bermtay, Allan Laserna, Jozel Ignes, Edmir Lagui, Meann Santos-Ong, Jolex Ramos, Belle Villanueva and Che Aranjuez. Personally, my favorites were the collections from Dauson Bermtay and fellow SoFA student Belle Villanueva! She is one to watch out for! P.S. I wasn’t able to bring a decent camera for August 25th. Regardless the quality of photos, the clothes still look amazing! 😍

20160825_22043120160825_2201552016-09-14-04-46-312016-09-14-04-44-522016-09-14-04-42-5020160825_22161420160825_221243

Yes, She is

It’s been a while since my last post. School requirements have made my schedule hectic, but I love every moment of it. Anyways, I saw this while browsing through my facebook news feed:

“One day it just clicks. You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.”

I cannot emphasize enough how much this spoke to me. I think I’m still in the process of getting there, but I also think I’ve already come a long way. I still get insecure at times, but I quickly recover by thinking “what matters is what I think of myself”. Plenty of times people tell me that they admire my courage. Whenever they do, I question myself. I never thought of myself as someone worthy to receive that kind of admiration. I only did what I thought was right for me. I only acted upon my urge to do what I think would make me happy. Come to think of it though, prior to everything, I really was in that hell hole wherein I almost believed that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. Who knew I’d have the guts to do the things I did? Now, I can totally look back and smile. I guess I really am courageous and bold. I better believe it. I’m excited to gain more experiences and see what more I could achieve. Life goals, I’m coming at you!

2016-08-30 02.48.55 1_1472540574065

As for what I’m wearing, if you are curious, I got this totally cute skirt from SheIn. It’s their Vertical Striped Bow Pom-pom Hem Skirt. If you love it on the photo, you’d love it more on you! You can purchase yours by clicking this link. The funny thing is, on the model, it’s a midi skirt. On me, it’s a maxi. I’m so tiny! LOL I believe my fellow petite girls would understand. Midi or Maxi, it looks super cute either way though right?

2016-08-30 02.48.51 1_14725403579272016-08-30 02.48.52 1_14725405007112016-08-30 02.48.57 1_14725406769042016-08-30 02.49.00 1_14725407663762016-08-30 02.49.02 1_1472540899899SONY DSC

 

Skirt – SheIn | Shoes – Nike

How to style it : LAGOS

*this article was originally posted in PASSIONISTA-APPAREL. Drop by to shop more gorgeous Passionista clothing.

 

HOW TO STYLE IT: LAGOS

It’s no secret that women have different style preferences. Some of us prefer outfits that are edgy, preppy, boho, glam, feminine, etc. It all depends on our personal aesthetics. If given a single item, say for instance a plain white shirt, we’d sure enough have a zillion different ideas on how we could style that item. Of course, that scenario is not limited to shirts only; The same goes for other fashion items and clothing pieces. Allow us to show you five different ways to style one of my favourite Passionista pieces, the LAGOS.

 

EDGY

Pair your Lagos with a chic leather jacket, gladiator sandals, and a bold red lip. Make people wonder, “Kendall Jenner is that you?”

PREPPY

Feeling preppy? Underneath your Lagos, wear a long sleeved, white button up blouse with a front ribbon. Put on some oxford pumps, over the knee or thigh high tights, and a cute hat.

 

 

 

 

 BOHO

Be chill and boho chic by pairing your Lagos with a printed Kimono, cute lace-up sandals, and a fringed bag. Top it all off with a flower crown.

 

 

 

 

GLAM

Go for the gold and get glam by wearing a metallic blazer over your Lagos. With that, wear toned down items like a simple suede sandal and a small black clutch to balance the whole look.

 

 

FEMININE

Scream Queens anyone? If you watch that show, you’ll know what I mean when I say I get inspired style-wise by Chanel and her minions. Get a similar look by pairing your Lagos with a faux fur coat, thigh high boots, and cat-eye sunnies.

“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” – Rumi

Hi everyone! I’m back in business. Be forewarned though, I am going through some major changes. You see, I’ve been utterly busy with my fashion styling apprenticeship and producing fashion editorials for my classes, and in the process, I felt my style, preferences, and aesthetics have constantly been changing. Come to think of it, a lot more about me has changed. Ever since I moved in to another city with new challenges, I have been doing things I never thought I could do before. My anxiety levels are high, but my perseverance refuses to be knocked down. I’m highly competitive in nature. Yesterday, I was telling a friend of mine that I can see that my classmates are improving, and I am beyond worried that I’m not. She reminded me that my biggest competition is myself. That I should figure out what my weaknesses are and what I should work on. She’s darn right.
My lifestyle has also been experiencing a lot of transformations. Let me be honest with you. The only reason I was able to post, to comment, and to like every single day on IG before, is that I had PLENTY of time. That was the time after I quit my microbiologist job and the only source of income (enough for my necessities) I had was an online weekend job. I was also staying at my parents’ place that time. I was in the process of completely healing my depressed state. Now, it’s completely different. I am sooooo busy. I don’t even have a constant source of income these days. I’m still figuring that out, because this girl needs to eat lol. (Also I do need to figure out how to fix my sched so that I won’t seem like I’m neglecting my blog and my insta family). But, this busy is good. It means I’m doing something worthwhile. The last time I was this busy was before I quit my job, and let me tell you there is a HUGE difference between busy bee me then and busy bee me now. Busy bee me now is HAPPY and constantly improving as a person. I feel like I’m heading in the right direction. I believe that’s the most important thing.
So don’t be afraid of changes. Don’t be afraid of taking risks, no matter how huge.

aud6e

For my outfit, I’m actually wearing a High Neck See-through One Piece swimsuit with my shorts. This is another item I got from Zaful (link here and here). As for my rings, I wore a gold bar ring from Audaviv, along with my other H&M rings. It stands out though because it’s the only one different, which is just the way I like it. Daring to stand out amongst the crowd. 😉 I’ll post a close up photo soon on instagram.

aud5eaud4eaud3eaud2eaud1e

Rings – Audaviv and H&M | Boots – Forever21 | Swimsuit – Zaful (pinterest, facebook) | Location – Prado Farms Pampanga

Twenty fifth

Things don’t always turn out the way you planned. Sometimes, they turn out even better.

When I was younger, I always imagined myself having stability by the age of 25. I guess it has to do with the environment I grew up in, wherein 25 is a point where you should already have a sense of direction in life.

Time flew and today I turn 25, and here I am on my bed, alone in a rental and trying to catch up on my blog work. And, from time to time, staring at a blank wall having writer’s block and thinking of ways to juggle the heaps of work I have for school, the blogging, and the figuring out of how to earn more money to keep me going. I’m a Food Technologist degree holder, who is studying again as a fashion styling apprentice and trying her luck in penetrating the fashion industry. By the way, if you are wondering if I ever have days wherein I regret quitting my already stable QA Microbiologist job, then let me answer it with no. I love where I am now and who I am turning out to be.

In my 25 years of existence, I have learned a few more things…

First, do what you want for yourself, not for anyone else. It comes hand in hand with not letting anyone hinder you from doing what you love and what you think would make you happy.

Second, be someone who can commit. Commitment isn’t only applicable to relationships. Commitment can be anything from making it a habit of eating breakfast every day to being persistent in pursuing your passions.

Third is one of my favorite mottos. NEVER DO MEDIOCRE. It’s cliché to say you should always do your best, but I’d say it anyways. Never settle for “that’s good enough”. Always go all out. It gets easier when it already becomes a habit. Sure it would stress me out often when the perfectionist and workaholic in me kick in, but boy oh boy that feeling when you see your finished work and you receive praises because of it is PRICELESS.

Fourth, never underestimate yourself. Also, never compare yourself to other people. A lot of us are guilty of this. We limit ourselves saying “I can’t do that” or “they’re better than me”. It took some time, but I did end up learning that the only limits I have are the limits I give to myself. Furthermore, we are all different, and that’s what makes us human beings great. Comparing yourself to someone else is pointless. The only competition you should think about is the competition you have with yourself. Always strive to be better than who you were yesterday. We are all capable of great things.

Fifth, the struggles in life are part of the journey and will always be what makes the destination more valuable. Sometimes, we have to be torn apart in order for us to grow and end up rebuilding ourselves into better persons.

SONY DSC

On an unrelated note (well maybe related to birthday gift giving because it was sent to me), I love this Black Bowknot Self Tie V-neck Short Sleeve Blouse from Zaful. Wooh. That’s a loooong name. lol. If you want to get one too, link is HERE. Also visit their site HERE for more items you can shop!

SONY DSCSONY DSC

Thoughts from Heidi

My friend posted this article by Heidi Priebe entitled “For the women who feel like ‘too much'” and I just wanted to share it with you all, because it spoke to me. This is originally from Thought Catalog and the link is here if you want to check it out there. 🙂

For the women who feel like ‘too much’ – you know exactly who you are.

You’re the ones who grew up always feeling different – feeling crazy, feeling brash, feeling just a little too passionate and fierce. You’re the ones who’ve spent your whole lives being told to bite your tongue, to sit on your hands, to settle down and shut up and quell your restless mind for just long enough to blend in.

To find your place within the calmer, cooler crowds.

You’re the ones who’ve always struggled to regulate your spirit. The ones who’ve felt the pull between the wild and the tame – the never-ending yearning to go and yet the underlying longing to stay. The constant need to explore further and yet the quiet desire to settle down.

You’re the ones who can’t find peace within yourself. Who have always wanted to try harder, run faster, push yourself further than the world around you ever expected you to go. You’re the ones with the expectations so high that even you can never live up to yourself. Even you can sometimes find your mind to be ‘too much’ for your body.

And yet you’re also the one who’s irreplaceable.

You’re the one who may always be a little too passionate, a little too reckless and too intense.

But you’re also the one who loves the hardest. Who fights the longest. Who refuses to cash in her chips and give up when the rest of the crowd has laid their swords down and gone home.

You’re the one who keeps pushing for the changes that need making. Who won’t sit down or shut up or settle down when what the stakes are rising higher than you’re ready for. You’re the one who’s not afraid to stand up when the rest of the world is staying silent.

You’re the one who may always be ‘too much’ for the people who are calm and complacent and steady.

But you’ll never be too much for the fierce ones.

You’ll never be too much for the ones who burn as brightly, who reel as wildly, who move as quickly as you.

You’ll never be too much for the people who want to experience the whole of life fully – arms wide open and spirit braced for whatever’s coming their way. You will always be just the right amount for the people who’s fire matches your own.

But there’s a catch-22 when it comes to finding them.

Because they’re not the ones sitting down. Shutting up. And listening to what they have been told their entire life to do.

They are the ones running ahead of the pack.

And if it’s not too much for you to handle,
It is up to you to run and catch up.