Hi everyone! I’m Janine, or online, Janini Panini. This is a long read, but I sincerely hope it would be worthy of your time. Just last year, as most of my online family knows, I was battling depression and decided to quit my QA Microbiologist job to pursue my passions. This prompted me to also decide to blog about my journey, thus I made a wordpress account and an instagram account. I had this vision and goal to inspire other people going through the same things I’m going through. I also hoped that I could empower others. June of 2016, with only my new found courage and some of my savings, I packed my belongings and moved to a different city. I was able to enter SoFA Design Institute. I took up a program in Fashion Styling. I was surviving using my salary from online jobs. Everything was going uphill despite some hardships. I was doing what I love and excelling at it. Things were great even after finals. I even got the highest grade possible in my styling class. But, like they say, what goes up, must come down. I feel I must open up because this is part of my journey and that is what my blogging has always been about. After my finals, the person I love and care about most, the one who has been helping me battle my depression, left me heartbroken. My main online job vanished leaving me broke as well. In addition to that, I have a worsening case of anxiety. Most days, I can’t get myself out of bed and out of my room. I am often confused whether I am crying just because of my broken heart, my recurring depression, or my developing anxiety. The anxiety is easy to figure out though when my chest tightens and I get a panic attack. This is why I’m having trouble finding a new job. Major anxiety, low self esteem, and doubting are just a few main causes. It’s so hard when you know what you’re supposed to do and you know what you want to do, BUT you just can’t seem to get yourself to do anything. It also isn’t helping that I have few to talk to because here where I live, people are just not that educated and familiar about depression and anxiety. Few understand and I think I have just grown tired.
I’m making it a point though that starting today, I will be even more conscious of myself and the things I wish to do and change. I will find more strength. And like what Kirsten Corley said, “Strength is looking at someone who broke you and you forgive them. Strength is helping others even when it’s you that hasn’t quite figured it out yet. Strength is holding on and believing in something you know you deserve but haven’t gotten yet.” So yes hunnies, you will still hear a lot from me on your posts. I will always be commenting genuinely and encouraging everyone. I will still be there for anyone who needs someone to listen and talk to. I will always strive to empower others while I strive to empower myself. Lifting others lifts me up as well. I will also try to revamp my IG into something more reflective of who I am now and who I am changing into. Furthermore, from time to time, I will once again paint portraits of inspiring people from Instagram or outside the online world. Sending you all much love and happiness.